My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
That took me a moment.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
TRAIN’S HERE
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.