Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
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3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.