I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
You Might Also Like
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Room with a view.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.