Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
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Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.