Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them