Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
what
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*