If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
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It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.