A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
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I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
That’s easy for you to say
describing stardew valley
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?