life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
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Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Some people were born into their job.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain