The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
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if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
A customer told me they were never coming back….
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I am all good here, 😂😉
three things we don’t talk about
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
couldn’t resist
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…