Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
no refunds
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.