If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers