there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
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[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
New favorite tiktok
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.