pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.