I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
You Might Also Like
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.