Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius