Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
You Might Also Like
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
incredible text to wake up to
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.