my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Children of the corn 🌽
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*