Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
You Might Also Like
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Travel bloggers during quarantine
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.