My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
#damn
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow