I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
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Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
We’ve all been there…
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it鈥檚 been reporting back to Bezos
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Twister but it鈥檚 just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 馃槀 instead of 馃敟 on a sexy dm room pic.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.