[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.