Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
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By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Hot hot hot 🥵
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
new record!
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”