If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
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The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)