neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
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A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I hate when people say βthink again.β Buddy, I wasnβt even thinking in the first place.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Me: Whereβs Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
– “I love BeyoncΓ©…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: βAnyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.β
Priest: βThis isnβt how confession works.β
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Every Monday I say to myself, βJim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.β Luckily, I am not Jim.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg