Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
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Storm Tropical Storm
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis