Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to