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A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡