People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
What
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*