[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
You Might Also Like
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I just stopped by to water my horse.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”