Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
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Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.