If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
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