*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
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I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?