Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
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Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.