the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.