New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
the greatest twitter interaction
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.