What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
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Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.