If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year