Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
You Might Also Like
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Need this in my life lol
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!