“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the