If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
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My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat