Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
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I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I feel it
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.