I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
You Might Also Like
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you