Your honor these allegations are
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“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I love wikipedia
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof