Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
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Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto