I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.