Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
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Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
just leave it at the foot of the bed
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Called it
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.