I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
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At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Sponch
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward