Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
You Might Also Like
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.