Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
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If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
first you must answer his riddles
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.